Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs

Christmas is just a few days away, which means that by now Christmas music is pretty much the ambient musical norm wherever you go: on the radio, in the store, at the restaurant, Christmas tunes are ubiquitous. While most of these holiday-oriented songs are perfectly fine, some are truly awful. 

When it comes to lists of horrible Christmas songs, there is no shortage of opinions as to which songs are the worst. I, of course, have my own list of hated holiday tunes, which may or may not look different than other people's lists. For example, there are a lot of Christmas songs that other people can't stand but I tolerate: I can't get too worked up about either Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime," or Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas I you," even though a lot of people utterly detest both songs. And there are probably some songs I hate that other people absolutely adore. 

The following is my countdown of the worst ten Christmas songs that need to be canceled immediately. Note that I make no distinction between "novelty" Christmas songs and "serious" ones, because they all seem to get played this time of year regardless. (Besides, aren't all Christmas songs essentially "novelty" songs?)

10. Do They Know It's Christmas? (Band Aid)

A "feed the world" song performed by some of the biggest names in British pop music might have made sense in 1984, when countries like Ethiopia were being wracked by starvation and death caused by famine (and exacerbated by the brutal incompetence of the Soviet-aligned Derg regime in Addis Ababa). But this condescending, neo-colonialist dreck has not aged well and should be retired from the annual holiday rotation. Bono's sneering "well tonight thank God it's them instead of you" stanza is probably the most cringy Christmas lyric ever recored.

  

9. I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas (Gayla Peevey)

This marching band-like tune from the early 50s, sung by a girl with an irritating nasally voice who thinks she's entitled to a wild animal for Christmas, was just a bad idea all around. No, you don't want a hippopotamus for Christmas: the animal is one of the most dangerous to humans, and it also does this:

A lot of people still think this song is "cute." But when I hear this girl prattle on about how she only likes "hippopotamuseses," I get the urge to smack someone.  

8. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) (Alvin and the Chipmunks) 

The vocal tracks were sped up to create the high-pitched "chipmunk" voices in the song, which might have been cutting-edge technology when the song was recorded in 1958 but has not aged well. Put it this way: if I had to choose between listening to the grating, shrill, barely-intelligible vocals in this song or listening to fingernails on a blackboard, I'd probably opt for the latter. The song also features "bandleader" Ross Bagdasarian screaming at Alvin twice during the course of the two minute, twenty-second song, which is jarring as well.

It's hard to believe that this song went to #1 on the Billboard chart and won three Grammys in 1958. It's even harder to believe that this all-around unpleasant song is still played during the holidays today.

7. Jingle Bell Rock (originally by Bobby Helms)

I might be the only person the world who hates this song. But I hate it for the same reason that a lot of people hate Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" - it's a crass, obnoxious earworm. What the hell is a "jingle hop" or a "jingle horse" or a "jingle bell square?" How many times can you use the word "jingle" in a single song, anyway?

This is a 1950s-era "rock and roll is here, and it's really cool and hip, so let's make a Christmas song about it!" tune that should have been left in the fifties.

6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jackson 5)

I'm sorry, but a song about a kid who witnesses his mom low-level cheating on his dad with Jolly Ol' Saint Nick isn't exactly one that brings me Christmas joy. In fact, it's sort of creepy. And, yes, I know the song's "inside joke" is that Santa is actually the kid's dad. But that only makes it even creepier because now it sounds like the kid is witnessing his parents' cosplay sex fetish.  

  

But what's creepiest about this song is that Michael Jackson sang it, and then later would go on to (allegedly) sexually assault young boys. 

(A side note: if Santa were real, can you imagine all the sex he would get? Bored and frazzled housewives all over the world would be throwing themselves at him to simultaneously thank him for bringing presents to their bratty kids and live out some weird daddy sex fantasy. Santa would be so busy banging moms that he wouldn't have time to deliver presents.) 

5. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (originally by Brenda Lee)

If "Jingle Bell Rock" is a dated, 1950's "rock and roll is new and cool" earworm, "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"is exponentially worse. The rockabilly guitar, the bleating saxophone, the nonsensical lyrics (seriously, what does "dancing merrily / in the new old-fashioned way" actually mean, anyway?) all combine to create a catchy-yet-repetitive tune that gets stuck in your head and won't leave you in peace. It's a song that can drive one to insanity, which is why I hate it.

Part of the problem with this song - both the Lee original and its multitude of covers - is that it's ridiculously overplayed. So much so that as of last week it became the #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100, 65 years after it was originally recorded. This is why America can't have nice things.

4. Merry Christmas With Love (Clay Aiken)

A friend of mine believes that this overproduced, maudlin piece of mush is "not only the worst Christmas song, it's probably one of the worst songs ever recorded." Having only been casually exposed to it before writing this blog entry, I decided to give it a close listen. 

I couldn't even make it to the end.

To be fair to Aiken, his was not the song's original recording. But he chose to breathe new life into this auditory atrocity by covering it, so he deserves blame.

3. Santa Baby (originally by Eartha Kitt)

Speaking of sex and Santa... Here's a song about a woman with a ridiculously long wish list of lavish and expensive things she wants for Christmas, with a suggestive vibe that implies the singer is willing to trade sexual favors with Santa for said gifts. "Hurry down the chimney for me," indeed.

This sex-and-greed song has been covered countless times since the Eartha Kitt original, but it doesn't matter if it's Madonna's extra-raunchy version, or Michael Bublé's bizarre "bro" version: it's a fundamentally awful song. No wonder a couple of years ago a survey determined that it was America's most disliked Christmas song.

2. The Christmas Shoes (New Song)

A lot of people place this truly disturbing tune at the very top of their worst Christmas songs list, and for good reason: it is a horrible song that should never have been written or recorded. I personally give thanks to the fact that I don't hear this one very often, because I think most decent people are horrified by it and don't want to listen to it. Needless to say, if you think a song about a kid trying to buy shoes for his cancer-stricken, dying mother is somehow a "good" Christmas song, you really need to re-think what Christmas is all about.

But don't take it from me; here's Patton Oswald to explain just how depraved and ridiculous this musical monstrosity actually is:

1. Baby, It's Cold Outside (Frank Loesser; originally performed in the film Neptune's Daughter) 

I've already written about how much I hate this song, and not just because of the coercive, date-rapey creepiness implied by its annoying, call-and-response lyrics: 

The song is melodically repetitive, monotonous and uninteresting; it lacks the most basic elements of songcraft, such as a bridge or a chorus. What's more, it's not even a song about Christmas; there's no mention of anything holiday-related in the lyrics. "It's cold outside" in January, February and even March, too, depending on where you live, so why is this piece of acoustic crap assumed to be a holiday song?

So while various artists can attempt to rehab this song's problematic image by changing the lyrics - see Me and Him reversing its gender roles, or John Legend and Kelly Clarkson creating a "consent" version - it's still just an all around shitty tune.

Please, quit playing this tiresome and repugnant not-a-Christmas song. It sucks.

In fact, please make the holiday season better for everyone by no longer playing any of the songs on this list.

UH football: Attendance for 2023 and a New Head Coach for 2024

The Cougars averaged 36,020 fans per game this season, which is 11,227 fans/game higher than last season and the program's highest average attendance since the 2016 season. It is the second-highest year-over-year increase in average attendance since my attendance tracker begins in 1965 (Houston's first year in the Astrodome) and is a direct result of excitement surrounding Houston joining the Big XII*. The season's marquee home matchup against the Texas Longhorns produced the second-highest attendance in TDECU Stadium history. 

However, a percipitous decline in attendance is likely in 2024. The initial novelty of joining the Big XII is wearing off and the Cougars only won four games in 2023, both of which will damper excitement for 2024. Furthermore, 2024's home slate consisting of UNLV, Rice, Utah, Baylor, Kansas State and Iowa State provides for some interesting matchups but has no marquee opponent along the lines of Texas. 

Had Dana Hologrsen been retained, attendance in 2024 would certainly be even worse; the clear differential between butts in seats and announced attendance as the season wore on, as well as the number of fans on UH message boards who indicated that they would not renew season tickets were Dana to be retained, showed that the UH fanbase's faith in the Red Bull-swilling, excuse-making swindler who has only made one second half adjustment in his entire career had come to an end.

The UH administration - specifically, Board of Regents Chairman Tilman Fertitta, President Renu Khator, and Athletics Director Chris Pezman - did the right thing by giving Holgorsen the boot, in spite of his ridiculously high buyout. Keeping him around for even one more season would only have worsened a football program that was already heading downward under his leadership.

This past Sunday, the Cougars officially announced their next head football coach: Willie Fritz, who had spent the last eight seasons as head coach of the Tulane Green Wave. He was formally introduced at a press conference on Monday (that my son, for some weird reason, attended): 

From left to right: Tilman Fertitta, Dr. Renu Khator, Willie Fritz, his wife Susan, Chris Pezman. photo: Kirby Gray

Fritz brings a great deal of experience with him to Houston, having coached at just about every level of college football. He coached at Blinn College in Brenham and won two consecutive junior college national championships there. He then spent many years at Division II Central Missouri, were he compiled a 97-47 record. He coached at Sam Houston State and took the Bearkats to two consecutive FCS Championship games. He coached for two years at Georgia Southern, leading that program's transition from FCS to FBS. Last year he led Tulane to a win over USC in the Cotton Bowl; the Green Wave ended the 2022 season ranked #9. All in all, Fritz has 31 seasons of head coaching experience under his belt and an all-time record of 247-121.

Now, at 63 years old, he steps up to the final level at Houston: the Power 5.

Fritz, for his part, seems to be excited to take on the challenge: "It's a dream for me to be here at the University of Houston." He has his work cut out for him, however: he has to assemble a staff, he has to salvage Houston's woeful 2024 recruiting class, and he has to impose a new culture and identity upon the program and its players. This is a lot to do a relatively short amount of time and I'm not going to expect a miracle turnaround in 2024. But if I see good, fundamental football (tackling, discipline, clock management), the ability to make adjustments, and improvement over the course of the season from the Coogs next fall, I will be happy.

Brad Towns approves of the hire, describing Fritz as "a leader, a winner, and a program builder and has achieved at every coaching stop," while Tilman Fertitta proclaims that the Coogs "got the person we wanted." Ryan is excited about Fritz's coaching philosophy:

Recruit, Retain, Develop – the three words Willie used to describe his philosophy. How can you not be excited about that? Recruiting became an afterthought this fall. Dana has basically given up on it by October. Retain is the name of the game right now in CFB – retaining your own players. Willie was proud of the number of guys they’d been able to retain because of the culture they had built.

And develop….hoo boy. This is the area that UH has needed the most and where we’ve seen the least. If you develop okay or good players into contributors, starters, and stars, you’re doing something. Willie’s done that at every stop.

All in all, it's hard not to be optimistic right now. But I have to remind myself that I was also optimistic five years ago when Houston plucked Holgorsen away from West Virginia. Let's hope things turn out differently this time; the Houston football program cannot afford another bad coaching hire.

The Cougars' next game - and Willie Fritz's debut - will be against the UNLV Rebels on Saturday, August 31, 2024 at TDECU Stadium.

*The highest year-over-year increase in attendance occurred in 1976, when Houston joined the Southwest Conference.

Dana Holgorsen fired after Cougars lose to UCF, 13-27

The Houston Cougars ended their 2023 campaign with a trip to Orlando to face the University of Central Florida Knights. The Coogs scored a touchdown on their opening possession and led 10-6 at the end of the first quarter, but were outscored 3-21 the rest of the way by a UCF team fighting for bowl eligibility. I'm not going to waste keystrokes on the good, bad or ugly of this loss; Ryan does a good job describing the game (and the Coogs' dismal second half of the season) for anybody who wants to read the gory details.

The Cougars end the 2023 season with a miserable 4-8 record, which matches my preseason prediction (I thought they'd beat Rice but lose to Baylor). One of those four wins was a comfortable victory over FBS newcomer Sam Houston State; the other three came by a combined total of 6 points. Despite having an "offensive guru" at their helm, the Cougars' 23.7 points per game is the fewest the Cougar offense has averaged since the 2004 season. The defense was atrocious as well; the 31.5 points per game the Coogs surrendered this season ranked them 105th out of 130 FBS teams.

The morning after the game, the University of Houston administration bit the bullet on head coach Dana Holgorsen's "fucking impossible buyout" and relieved him of coaching duties after five seasons and a very mediocre 31-28 record. 

The University of Houston took a gamble on Dana Holgorsen: they hired him away from a West Virginia program that was about to dismiss him, made him the highest-paid coach in the Group of Five at the time, and fired Major Applewhite after only two (winning) seasons in order to make room for him. It was a gamble that, unfortunately, did not pay off. The exciting offense fans expected to see from him never materialized, the program was trending downward, attendance at TDECU Stadium was dwindling, and there was no hope that things would get better next year (especially given Holgorsen's excuses regarding his poorly-rated 2024 high school recruiting class). It was simply time for the University to cut its losses and move on.

Ryan believes that Holgorsen "was his own worst enemy" as Houston's head coach:

One of the biggest problems with Dana Holgorsen was the way he negatively recruited against UH. Opposing coaches did not even have to do it; they just had to keep a folder full of Dana’s quotes about his own program. By constantly shirking blame, by saying how hard it is at Houston, by saying facilities were not up to par, that he could not compete until he had upgraded facilities, by pushing players out, by losing starters like Alton McCaskill (NIL) and Cam’Ron Johnson (loyalty to Brandon Jones and NIL), by flailing in the transfer portal when UH had specific and immediate needs, and by not grinding in recruiting like those he was competing with.

The public perception of Dana was a whiner who was constantly focused on what UH could not do and what UH did not have. Some of what he said was 100% true, but when the only message that gets out is negative, that’s your public perception.

That's the way I see it was well: Dana gave us plenty of whining and plenty of excuses. He gave us bizarre playcalling and clock management decisions and poor team discipline. What he didn't give us was an explosive offense that attracts fans, teams that continually showed improvement over the course of the season, or signature victories. Of his 31 wins at Houston, only nine of them came against FBS programs that ended their season with a winning record. His only win over a Power 5 program with a winning season was this year's hail-mary fluke victory over West Virginia. Ryan continues:

You can’t point to one thing that pushed UH to make the change. But the totality of poor on-field performance, no optimism for the future, poor recruiting and efforts in the transfer portal, no serious commitment to NIL, his public persona, and fan and season ticket holder apathy forced UH decision-makers to fire him.

The University of Houston administration now begins the search for the program's sixteenth head coach. Chris Baldwin and Josh Criswell have more.

Houston 30, #23 Oklahoma State 43

The Cougars led this game 23-9 at one point in the second quarter. Could they hold on for the win?

Of course they couldn't.

The Good: Houston QB Donovan Smith had a touchdown trifecta: passing, receiving, and rushing for scores. In the first quarter, Isiah Hamilton picked off a pass from OSU QB Alan Bowman and ran it back 57 yards for a touchdown - Houston's first pick six of the year.  The Houston defense also stuffed Bowman in the endzone for a safety.

The Bad: After falling behind 23-9, Oklahoma State scored 27 unanswered points to take the lead and eventually win the game. Oklahoma State's run began late in the second half, when Smith threw an interception right to a Cowboy receiver. OSU would later score.

The Ugly: Early in the game, the Cougars stopped the Cowboys on 3rd and 19... And then were flagged for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that gave OSU a first and ten. The Cowboys would go on to score on that possession. Stupid, undisciplined football. 

What It Means: with seven losses on the season, the Cougars are officially eliminated from bowl contention.

The Coogs end the season against Central Florida in Orlando.

If Dana Holgorsen is retained as head coach after the end of this season, I am going to have to think long and hard about whether I want to renew my season tickets for 2024. This unprepared, undisciplined, uninspired version of college football he's coaching is simply unwatchable.

Three former UH football players perish in downtown car crash

Shocking and sad.

Six people, including three former University of Houston football players, were killed in a violent crash in downtown Houston early Saturday morning, officials confirmed.

The former UH football players were identified as D.J. Hayden, who went on to play eight seasons in the NFL, Zachary McMillian and Ralph Oragwu. Family members confirmed another one of the victims was Lauren Robinson-Holliday. They, along with two other people, were all in the same vehicle that was hit by a speeding Chrysler, Robinson-Holliday's family said. 

These deaths occurred only a few hours before Homecoming at the University of Houston, casting a pall over the planned festivities. Although these players finished their careers over a decade ago, they were still well-known to fans and football staff alike.

A product of Elkins High School in Missouri City, D. J. Hayden played for the Cougars and was  a standout cornerback until he suffered a life-threatening injury in practice during the 2012 season. (The Cougars even wore special uniforms to honor him after the incident.) Hayden miraculously recovered from the injury, and was chosen in the first round of the 2013 NFL Draft by the Oakland Raiders. He played eight seasons in the NFL with the Raiders, the Detroit Lions and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Since retiring from the NFL, he was serving as the defensive backs coach for Second Baptist School. 

Zachary McMillian, who attended Dulles High School in Fort Bend County, followed in his father's footsteps as a football player for the University of Houston from 2010 to 2013, where he was a defensive back. In his senior season, he was third in the American Athletic Conference with five interceptions. 

Ralph Oragwu attended Fort Bend ISD's Marshall High School before going on to play football for the University of Houston. He was an offensive lineman and played from 2009 through 2013.

Robinson-Holliday was also originally from Fort Bend County and was apparently friends with the football players. She attended East Texas Baptist University and Lamar University.   

The University of Houston has since announced that former player Jeffery Lewis, who played from 2009 through 2012, was also involved in the crash and is recovering at the hospital.

Our entire community is heartbroken over the tragic passing of former Football student-athletes D.J. Hayden, Zachary McMillian and Ralph Oragwu earlier today, and our thoughts and prayers remain with Jeffery Lewis in his recovery ahead.

Statement: https://t.co/Fy83ref2Uw pic.twitter.com/vIkEamxJfB

— Houston Football (@UHCougarFB) November 11, 2023

This accident occurred at the intersection of Pierce and Fannin, less than a mile away from my house:

Shortly after 2 a.m., police said a black Acura SUV was traveling southbound on Fannin Street. That vehicle had a green light at the intersection with Pierce Street. At the same time, police said a black Chrysler 300 was going eastbound on Pierce Street at a high rate of speed and went through a red light at Fannin, hitting the Acura. Police said people in both vehicles were ejected, including the driver of the Chrysler and three people in the Acura. The Chrysler also hit and killed a man on the sidewalk, who police believe was homeless. 

The Chrysler driver and three others were pronounced dead at the scene.  Four people were taken to the hospital. Two of them were declared dead there. A third person at the hospital has life-threatening injuries. 

At this point, we don't know the identity of the Chrysler driver or the man on the sidewalk who was killed.  (Update: the at-fault driver's name was Christian Herrera; the homeless person's name was Frank Robinson.)

According to family members, Hayden, McMillian, Oragwu and Robinson-Holliday were all in the black Acura.

Way too many motorists use the wide, one-way streets of downtown and Midtown as their personal speedways, especially at night, and don't pay attention to traffic signals. I've seen this happen too many times; in fact, I was smacked by a careless driver in Midtown just a few weeks ago (I'm fine, but the 2010 Altima is no longer; I'll have more to say about this later). Fortunately, neither myself or the other driver was injured in my crash. The same unfortunately cannot be said for the three UH football players and three others who died in this crash.

Just senseless and heartbreaking.

ESPN, Ryan and Chris Baldwin have more.

Houston 14, Cincinnati 24

You'd think that the Cougars, coming off a dramatic road win against a former Southwest Conference rival the week before, would be amped up to come back to TDECU for Homecoming and flex on a 2-7 team they haven't beaten since 2016. 

You'd be wrong.

The Ugly: The entire game. The UH offense could only manage 12 first downs and a meager 241 yards of total offense for the entire game. Of the Coogs' 11 offensive possessions, 9 ended in either punts, turnovers (QB Donovan Smith was intercepted three times) or failed fourth down conversion attempts. The defense surrendered 368 total yards to the Bearcats; Cincinnati RB Corey Kiner carved through the UH run defense like a warm knife through soft butter, with 129 rushing yards and two touchdowns. The Cougars simply weren't prepared for this game.

Brad Towns expresses his frustration at Holgorsen's inability to have his team mentally focused to take on beatable opponents, such as Rice and Cincinnati:

Back in September, I had a hard time believing players could take an opponent for granted. Especially a local rival. I am having an even harder time believing that this team would overlook a Cincinnati team that had pounded UH each time they played under this coaching staff.

The Bearcats were on a 7-game losing streak, and UH was coming off a bounce-back road win against Baylor. A bowl game was on the line and within reach, and it was Homecoming, too. This was the perfect setting to get things right and prove this team was improving.

And then they went out and got rolled. Don’t let the score fool you, UH was completely dominated by a 2-7 team. It is one thing to lose, it is another to get outworked and outfought on the field. Especially at home. Houston is now 14-12 at home under Holgorsen, 12-12 vs. FBS teams.

A loss Saturday against Oklahoma State and Holgorsen would be sub-.500 vs. FBS teams at home. His predecessor Major Applewhite – fired after two years because the program was in shambles – was 9-3 at home (8-3 vs. FBS teams).

Sometimes teams are just more talented, and there is not much you can do to beat them. But no UH team should overlook anyone, and they should never have an opponent play harder or want it more.

That is wholly unacceptable by players and it is unacceptable that this continued lack of wanting and effort can be accepted by the coaching staff.

The Homecoming "crowd" at TDECU was pretty ugly as well. Most of the 34,312 tickets sold for this game clearly went unused. The University's fair-weather, front-runner fanbase has given up on Holgorsen and the Cougars.

What It Means: The Cougars need to win their final two games (at home, against Oklahoma State, and on the road, against Central Florida) to become bowl eligible. The chances of that happening are somewhere between slim and none.

On Sunday, Texas A&M fired head coach Jumbo Fisher after six seasons and a 45-25 record. His buyout will be around $77 million. You'd think that if the Aggies can admit they made a mistake and move on in spite of the cost, the UH athletics administration could bite the bullet and do the same for somebody who has been 31-26 over almost five seasons, has essentially given up on recruiting his 2024 class, routinely misjudges his team's gameday readiness, and has clearly lost the interest of the school's fanbase. At this point, it may cost Houston more (in lost ticket sales and other gameday revenues) to keep Holgorsen than to let him go.

The Last Three Games

Things have been happening in my life over the past several weeks that have taken attention away from this blog. So I'll just provide a quick recap of the most recent three games of the 2023 University of Houston Cougar football season. 

Houston 24, #8 Texas 31: The overlap between the schools entering the Big 12 and the schools leaving it meant that the Houston Cougars and the Texas Longhorns got to face each other for the first time since 2002 and only the fourth time since the Southwest Conference broke up. After yet another slow start - the Cougars were behind 0-21 at one point - Houston rallied to put a scare into the #8 Texas Longhorns at TDECU Stadium.

Houston QB Donovan Smith completed 32 of 46 passes for 378 yards and three touchdowns. Matthew Golden caught two of those touchdown passes, while Joseph Manjack IV had one score (both receivers had 88 receiving yards on the day). The ability of Houston receivers to get open against the Texas secondary was refreshingly surprising. After giving up 21 unanswered points, the UH defense made adjustments that limited the Longhorns to just 10 points for the rest of the game; Texas was held to a dismal 3 of 12 on third down conversion attempts. (They also bizarrely attempted a fake field goal that UH special teams snuffed out.)

With the good came the bad, however. Smith turned the ball over twice; once on a sack-and-fumble and once on an interception. The Cougar rushing game could only manage a paltry 14 yards for the entire game. That said, the Cougars had a chance in this game up until the very end, when the Longhorns might have caught a break from the refs. Houston had third-and-1 at the Texas 10-yard line with just over a minute left in the game. The Cougars handed off RB Stacy Sneed, who appeared to gain enough for a first down at the Texas 9-yard line. However, the referees marked the ball closer to the 10-yard line. The Cougars then failed to convert on the ensuing fourth-and-inches play, securing the win for the Horns.

Things that make you go hmmm. 

The announced crowd of 42,812 is the second-largest crowd in TDECU Stadium history. Yes, a lot of them were wearing burnt orange. But the game was a lot of fun and I hope another 21 years don't go by before the Longhorns and Cougars play each other again.

The Chron's James Mueller writes that the Cougars, "which almost nobody gave a chance of beating Texas, had the No. 8 team in the country on the ropes." Ryan points out that the Cougars squandered chances to win this game even before the questionable spot occurred.

Houston 0, Kansas State 41: Not much to say about this one. The Cougars, having to go on the road to chilly Manhattan, Kansas after the emotional letdown of the Texas game, were clearly unprepared and unmotivated. The embarrassing result was Houston's first shutout since 2000. The Cougars couldn't do anything right on either side of the ball; even when they were gifted a Wildcat fumble on the KSU 26-yard line early in the second quarter, they couldn't convert it into any points. 

Ryan calls the game "disorganized and pitiful" and points out that UH's 208 yards of total offense "is the lowest output of the Dana Holgorsen era." Yet some people in the national media still think he is an "offensive guru."

Houston 25, Baylor 24 (OT): The "Pillow Fight on the Brazos" pitted two 3-5 teams against each other. And it was about as ugly as one would expect. Neither team could score in the first quarter, but a 26-yard touchdown pass from Donovan Smith to Samuel Brown in the second half gave the Cougars a seven-point halftime lead. Baylor would tie things up in the fourth quarter, but another Donovan Smith touchdown - this time a 24-yard pass to Tony Mathis, Jr. - gave the Coogs the lead again.

On the very next possession, the Bears threw an interception deep in their own territory, giving the Cougars a chance to pad their lead. Instead, the Coogs failed to make a first down and missed a field goal attempt. Baylor got the ball back, and - aided by Houston's failure to prevent the Bears from converting 4th and 17 (!) - marched right down the field to score a touchdown with 30 seconds left and force the game into overtime, where they got the ball first and promptly scored again. The Cougars responded with a touchdown of their own on a Donovan Smith one-yard run into the endzone, and then decided attempt a two-point conversion to either win or go home. 

The resulting play, christened "Horns Down," worked. After lining up in a five-wide set, Smith scrambled into the endzone to give the Coogs the one-point victory. A gutsy decision, yes, but given the state of the Cougars defense at that point it was also probably the right call. 

The one-point overtime victory over Baylor was Houston's first over the Bears since 1993 and their first win on the road over an established Big 12 school. It also gave a measure of revenge for UH fans still bitter that Baylor was included in the Big 12, at Houston's expense, when the Southwest Conference broke up. 

What All of This Means: The Cougars are now 4-5 and can still make a bowl if they win at least two of their last three games. Which is somewhat miraculous, considering how rough this season has been.

Hail Mary! Houston 41, West Virginia 39

 Several days later, and I still don't believe that the Cougars actually won this game.

The Good: Houston's first score of the game was a Matthew Golden 100-yard kickoff return for a touchdown. QB Donavan Smith had a breakout game, going 21 of 27 for 253 yards, four touchdowns and no interceptions; he also rushed for 34 yards and a score. He completed 16 straight passes to end the game, including the hail mary that won the game for the Coogs. Stephon Johnson caught four passes for 96 yards and two scores, including the game winner, while Stacy Sneed rushed for 78 yards on seven carries. On the defensive side of the ball, Isaiah Hamilton robbed West Virginia of a touchdown by intercepting a tipped pass in the endzone.

The Bad: The UH defense gave up a whopping 546 yards to the Mountaineers and allowed West Virginia to convert 13 of 19 third down attempts. The Cougars were up by 11 points midway through the fourth quarter, but lapses on defense and overly-conservative play on offense allowed West Virginia to score two touchdowns in the span of 2 minutes and 41 seconds, including what should have been the game winner for West Virginia: a 50-yard pass from QB Garrett Greene to Hudson Clement on 4th and 10. However...

The Stupid: Following the touchdown, Garrett Green took off his helmet (while he was still on the field) and started waving "goodbye" to the UH student section. That drew a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that was enforced on the following kickoff. That put Houston in field position for...

The Miraculous: Like I said, I still don't believe this happened:

Credit to Joseph Manjack IV (who had a great game himself) for tipping the ball up so that Stephon Johnson could snag it for the game-winning score.

What It Means: This is Houston's first conference win in the Big XII; Houston also becomes the first incoming school to beat an "original" Big XII team and Dana Holgorsen gets a win over his former employer. The Cougars find themselves with a 3-3 record at the season's halfway point.

Next up for the Coogs is the one we've all been waiting for: the Texas Longhorns, at TDECU Stadium, on Saturday October 21st.

Imagining a Manhattan-like Galveston

I came across this post on The Social Media Platform Former Known as Twitter last week, and it suggests an interesting thought experiment: 

Galveston was the largest city in Texas prior to the Great Hurricane of 1900. What if that storm had had never hit Galveston, and the city continued to grow? What if the Galveston Seawall was a proactive, rather than reactive, project to harden the island against natural disasters? Would the region's urban geography look completely different? Would Galveston have eventually developed into a dense, Manhattan-like urban core from which everything radiated out, leaving Houston as little more than a suburb on the northwestern edge of a hypothetical Greater Galveston Urbanized Area?

Fundamentally, Galveston lost out because a barrier island city will never be a major railroad hub. And when Houston built a port Galveston’s last economic advantage was gone.

— Christof Spieler (@christofspieler) September 26, 2023

Of course, as Christof's response indicates, there were factors working against Galveston that favored Houston, even before the 1900 hurricane hit. Transportation truly is destiny, and it did not favor Galveston Island.

Also, in the real (not "what if") world, the Hurricane of 1900 (and its almost-as-devastating counterpart in 1915) *did* happen, and completely devastated the city. This is because barrier islands like Galveston Island aren't well-suited for cities.  They are the first line of defense against hurricanes so they bear the brunt of their fury. While there are cities on barrier islands - Miami Beach, Atlantic City and Hilton Head all being examples besides Galveston - none of them have ever developed into being the anchor city of their respective metropolitan region. They're simply too vulnerable to hurricane-related devastation, so the core of urban development is inland. 

It's fun to think about an alternate universe in which Galveston developed into a dense island full of skyscrapers and subways that became the region's urban core, in which high-density development extended to Bolivar Peninsula, Texas City and San Luis Pass, in which development grew around the bay, in which Houston was an outlying industrial town. How different would everything be? Would the University of Galveston be a member of the Big XII or SEC? Would the Galveston Rockets play in an arena behind UTMB's campus? Would Scholes Field be a hub for United Airlines?

Of course, that's not what happened. I enjoy Galveston and I'm glad the city exists. But the city, especially before 1900, was in many ways a bet against nature. And in the end, nature always wins. 

Houston 28, Texas Tech 49

Before last Saturday, Houston was 1-10 against Texas Tech in their last eleven meetings (the amazing 2009 game being the Cougars' lone win). After last Saturday, the record is 1-11.

The Good: The UH offense in the first half, which scored four touchdowns.

The Bad: The UH's offense in the second half, which didn't score anything.

The Worse: The UH defense, which surrendered a total of 400 yards to the Texas Tech offense.

The Ugly: UH special teams, which allowed Texas Tech scores on a kickoff return and a blocked punt. Houston K Jack Martin also missed a field goal.

What It Means: The Cougars are now 0-2 in Big XII play with no hopes of a win coming anytime soon. The talent, the depth and the coaching simply aren't there for this program to be competitive in this conference. And that falls on the shoulders of not just Dana Holgorsen, but the people who hired him (e.g. UH President Renu Khator, UH AD Chris Pezman, local mob boss restauranteur Tillman Fertitta).

Ryan says this team deserves better. He's right.

The Cougars get next weekend off, before they lose to West Virginia on the evening of Thursday October 12 at TDECU Stadium.